Picture Perfect

Today I was given my first bit of work from uni (50 pages to read, and 2 worksheets to complete). And I didn't even have a lesson, or lecture. This does not bode well for the rest of the term, certainly year, certainy the rest of the 3 years.

The entire anthropology department consists of about 40 people, 13 of which are doing Law as well. As such, I have business on two whole floors of the university building, instead of just one. This means, of course, I'll be able to meet a more diverse range of interesting people (if people doing straight law can be considered interesting. I was going to insert a comment about anthropology students, but think it's better to merely remain silent on that matter...). 

Everything went very well. As soon as I walked in through the main door, this chap thought he knew me from St. Paul's, which, of course, I did not attend, ever. I can't remember what his name was. There was this girl in the social anthropology course, who was sitting next to me, who was also very friendly. Then this other bloke who was sitting on my other side, who was doing law as well as anth. (henceforth to be substituted for "anthropology"). Then this other girl who I went wandering around cerntral London with in search of a second hand bookstore for a half hour with, also on my course. Then this other girl from Toronto who took my cell number (I say "blah" to anyone who points out any Americanisms in my blogs anymore. I no longer have the strength to stand up to the constant tide of americanism, after spending a year in an American college, and talking to American people frequently).

I took comfort in my theory (and this is a tip for life, pay attention, children) that if you're feeling nervous or clueless at any given point in time, whoever you're with, is also feeling nervous and clueless. Contrary to legally blonde (where that girl goes to harvards[?] to study law, and finds everyone knows everything about the course, and she doesn't), no one has access to a secret storehouse of information in which they've spent hours and hours for weeks on end studying things related to the subjects.

There was this other girl who lives on my road, who I don't really know, and her friend, who I really don't know, who waved at me as she left college. Very nice, but a big mistake. In my opinion, she should be making friends where she finds them. One good friend is all very well and nice, but as I learnt in the past academic year: never give all your eggs to a single friend to hold (ok, slightly altered adage, but you get it). So. I made friends with/know 1/3 of the class. Woo!

Unfortunately, my first lecture is on Monday, and I won't be able to attend.

Oh, and by the way: Congratulations, Arty. You were the 1,000th comment on my blog. The offending comment was your latest one. Also interesting, is that a big bill-board I passed today has the word "Artemis" in big green letters.

(Click "podcast" if you hear nothing after pressing play)

Contrary to the opinion the above title may have given you, I have not bought or received any new cool stuff.

Instead, the title refers to the experience of university as a whole. I went to the Fresher's Fair at the uni today, and immedietaly kicked myself (figuratively) for considering giving it a miss. Whilst the experience was daunting at first, I found my way around, and even signed up for 4 societies (at a total cost of £5) and subscribed to the university magazine and newspaper. The societies included, but are not limited to, the debate society ("All religious schools should be banned" is the first debate) and the Amnesty International Society.

Of all the hundreds of people there, I knew one, and not directly. He is the head of the Jewish Society there, and I know him via the "stages of removal" - I went to school with someone 9 years ago. He has an elder brother, who knows the head of JSOC. 3 times removed. Lovely. The last society I joined up to (in the list) was the Israel Society. These 4 societies should keep me very busy, in addition to the mounds of reading work which will no doubt pile up on me (I just looked at my reading list. My first impression was "not too terrible" as I surveyed the list of 5 books. Then I realised I was taking 4 courses, and at 5 books per course gives me 20 law books, all probably about 1,000 pages long, to get familiar with. 

 

Only now do I feel a slight twinge or regret for not signing up to a student flat in central london; but it remains only slight, as I know (through experience as well as logic) that it's better to be at home. As it goes, I'm looking forward to making new friends, getting to know new people and such. There are many Americans at the college. I don't know why, but they appear to constitute the majority of the people there. English people are actually the minority, a stunning 70% of the college are from abroad. It is a world-acclaimed school, with many famous people having gone there, including Mrs. Cherie Blair, and several high-profile American and Chinese politicians. Furthermore, it has been ranked as the 11th in the world overall, and the second in the world for social politics (Woooo! And I got in! I know, it's a miracle. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing there, but there I am). The first in the world for social politics is Harvard, in America.

Brag, brag brag brag, brag. Brag! Brag-brag.
In my defence of all the bragging, what's the use of going to such a school if I can't tell people how good it is?

There are tons of activities and things, most of which are not my sort of thing, but many of which I am interested in, and shall even attend. I'm prepared for the social part of everything, but I'm not too sure about the learning part...

I finally worked out my timetable (sort of) and have also finally registered for my courses. They're entitled things like "An introduction to social anthropology" and "The Law of Obligation." I did this all on my very own, without the help from the smiling lady at the help desk. Which, by the way is situated in their very large library. They have several floors, and a lift! and the staircases are great staircases which go upwards in a large circular fashion. In a word, the library is awesome (i.e. awe inspiring, not the surfer-dude "awesome!" comment).

Oh, I did actually get lots of freebees, such as a pen from JSOC, and (worryingly) a pen from the "Sexual Health Overwatch Agency-Thing-Ma-Jig" which I don't think I'll be using in any classes. It simply invites the obvious jibes from the smartass who will no doubt be sitting next to me.

So, armed with my free pens, free wall planner, free cereal bowl, and free diary, I am as happy as a bunny in the sun.


I am also happy to announce a new feature to this site, which is in the experimental phase (being prepared for the new blog site which won't be making an appearance any time soon), and that is what I threatened to do before my blog officially closed almost one year ago: entire posts on a voice-file. If this proves successful, I shall convert all my blogs to this method.

And now, take care, children.

Look, no matter how many of you complain about the lack of images, or that site, I still endorse the site, and I still refuse to post any pictures of "girls who fit into each catgory." The latter is for two reasons: I do not have the inclination, will, or time (and considering the large amounts of time I do have free these days, that's saying something), to go trawling through the internet for images of girls to put up on my site.

But those aren't the only reasons. The main reason is because, as all my friends know - and as I constantly tell them -and consaquently why they never ask my opinion anymore, is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So it would be useless, wouldn't it? Yes indeed it would.

I would like to post something spectacular, interesting, witty and intellectual right now, but I'm fresh out of ideas. That, and the complete history of marmite is beckoning to me from wikipedia.

And so I leave you all, in favour of wikitainment. Sorry. This day had to come some time.

Oh, and arty, regestration was dull. It was exactly as you'd expect: a short line starting from point A, and ending at point B, filled with clueless young people with too much time on their hands, all comically attempting to have just a little bit of a clue, but failing miserably, as the look on each one's expression betrayed. Of course, a few metres from point B, someone was sitting at a desk inspecting the paperwork required, and then you'd leave via the door marked "exit." Despite walking in and out of the door marked exit several times, it was, in fact, an exit, and not a buble in the space-time continuum which would transport me to another galaxy thousands of light years away from where we are, both in physical space and time, not to mention thousands of light years ahead of our technology. Instead, it led into the street. This is where I was given a book about the college to read at my leasure. Well, I would have thought I would be able to read it at my leasure, but the guy thrust it into my chest, so I don't suspect it was a voluntary thing.

Either way, I'm shortly due at induction day, which is today. It goes without saying I'll check if that exit really was an exit just one more time. Maybe I missed something....

I went to King's Cross today, and successfully picked up my cousin and her friend. As you may recall, last week I spent an hour there for nothing. Not in anticipation of their arrival this week, but because I had been sent (yes, sent) at the wrong time. But this week, my pain from last week was no more.

Today's lesson learned: girls are very pretty indeed :p

***

In a conversation with Arty and Cat, I told them of the prettyness concept I came up with, with a friend. Here they are again, better explained. I shall dub them:

The 5 stages of prettyness (yes, only 5, Cat)

Blatant: A typical head turner. However, "devestatingly pretty" is something I would never use to refer to someone in this catagory. Sorry (Cat, you need to insert your standard joke of "I'm sure everyone is real broken up about that" in here yourself, I'm not going to make it for you...:p) No pretty girl is found here. Instead, this catagory is reserved for beautiful girls.

Homely: This is the catagory of girl I usually fall for. Many of whom, but not all, are "devestatingly pretty." :p I cannot attempt to describe anyone of this catagory, however. I am incapable of putting into words something I do not understand myself! It does not mean, however "someone who should be working on the dishes at home" a better name would be "home made" - though just what's home made about a person, I have no idea. These names just seemed right at the time (and they still do :p) 

Subtle: A guy would have to look twice at a girl with subtle beauty, to realise how pretty she is. This doesn't mean the prettyness is harder to see. I'm not sure what it means, to be honest, because a girl in this catagory is just as pretty as a girl in the "blatant" one. But my friend and I seemed to know what we were talking about at the time. (Had we been drinking? We were sober. Sleep deprived, but sober.) 

Hidden: I don't know how to explain this. I don't know how it works. I know it's just there. Lots of girls are in this catagory.

Not my type: And this would have to be the end line for everything: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no two ways about it. There are girls I think who are absolutely stunning, and a friend thinks the same girl looks like...well, not at all stunning. I am reminded of a certain gothic-like girl I met (yes, I actually met her, I didn't stalk her, I swear) in the Central Bus Station (my favourite place to check e-mail). I could easily place a girl in one catagory, and another friend would place her in another. There are no rules. Just the fact that these catagories exist. Lovely.

Cat, I have recently noticed that many (not all) of the girls I like indeed look the same. Of course, they are all different, but they are all characterised by a certain face-shape. I don't know how much deeper it goes, of course. But who cares? Not I.

And, a bit of advice to men: once you find your girl, visit this site. I endorse it completely and entirely :p. Here's some feedback from that site:

"My wife and I never really dated. I saw her, fell in love, and snapped on my YPL: Leash Your Girl. Ever since then, she's been my faithful follower! Thank you so much YPL! "

Curiosity aroused? Mine would be. Happy viewing! Oh...and let the rotten fruit throwing begin!

I love my hat. I get looked at weirdly whenever I wear it by many people, and that makes me laugh, and raises my spirits. Occasionally, someone needs to ask me something when I wear my hat. The other day, someone asked me something about a footbridge going over a large road; about whether or not it existed.

Of course, much fun is to be had when you're wearing a hat. Here are some of the responses I considered giving:

posh.wav
pirate-farmer.wav
weird.wav

What I actually said. actual.wav

DJ's HQ of World Domination?

Or just a clever hoax?

This post was made possible by a number of people whom I would like to take the opportunity to thank:

My Aunt: I thank my aunt for giving me something to write about
Cat: For forcing me to write it upon pain of...something nasty...as per usual

Before I explain what the above is about, I would also like to thank my visitors who come and visit this site. So far, you miserable lot have been ploughing through my words over 1,000 different times. That's right, 1, 069 unique visitors with thousands of pages being served, just this month.


I have but one question, and it is this: Just who in Thor's name are you?
I don't visit my site thousands of times a month, it can't be me. Or even hundreds of times a month.
Arty? Is it you? Cat?

I must say, since I closed this blog down about a year ago, it seems to have gotten quite popular. Not that it wasn't popular before now, it was; I like to think the posts were better then too.

But anyhoo. I'll get on with the story.

There I was, in my room, minding my own business, playing a computer game called "Conquest of the New World." I, of course, was playing as Britain, and was doing a thoroughly good job of kicking the Spaniard's and Dutch's rears back to Europe. After defeating the Spanish with my much famed General, Lord DJ (Ok, so I altered history slightly. Who's watching?), I was in the middle of a fierce battle against the Dutch.

That's when it happened. The phone rang.

Against my better instincts, I picked it up, and spoke to my aunt. The conversation went like this:

Aunt: Hi. How are you?
Me: Good, yourself?
Aunt: I'm fine, thank you. Can you do me a favour?
Me: Errrr (I've learned to never say "yes" easily to a request like that from this aunt. No, I'm not over reacting, nor am I selfish. It's not as if she has a reputation for asking me to buy a paper for her or something simple like that. Oh no. The last favour she asked of me was to pop 'round to Umman for a few days [Yes, Umman, in Ukraine.] I didn't go, but she did. I would have had a hell of a blog if I'd gone, but unlike many, my blog revolves around my life, not my life around my blog...) errr...well, what is it?
Aunt: Can you go to King's Cross Station, and pick some people up for me? It'll take an hour for you to get there. Leave now.
Me: What? You mean, drop everything this second, and leave?
Aunt: Yes.
Me: Who am I picking up?
Aunt: Your cousin and her friends.
Me: I'm on my way out!

So, what turned the tide? Did I have a sudden flash of kindness? Was the battle against the Dutch not going as planned? No. The truth is, I would have gone anyway, going to one of the best-linked national railway stations in England is a mild request. It's not like she was asking me to go to the Ukraine, or anything, afterall.

But the swift change of heart, yes, had something to do with the fact that it was family. This cousin's family helped me out substantially when I was in Jerusalem last year (from which I've only just returned recently) and therefore, I thought I should do something nice, when she's in Europe. But here lies the crux of the matter: I said, "when she's in europe."

This means that the friends she brings with her are probably girls. Yes, call me names and throw smelly fruit at me all you like, I was not about to pass up the opportunity to be the sole shaparone of a group of pretty American girls, just a single year younger than me, in a big place like London. No sir.

So, armed with the knowledge of what awaited me at King's Cross, I went happily on my way. I arrived. I noticed that there was no train coming in at the time I was told. But there were two other trains coming in at similar times. Within the hour. I could wait...

Luckily, I brought my book, "A child called it" with me. A must read for anyone.
As it turned out, I almost finished the book, sitting right there on the station floor, just next to platforms 5 and 6.
The girls were late.

I got a phone call from my aunt after waiting for an hour. It turns out they were coming NEXT week. Not today. How very lovely.

Not only was the whole thing a waste of time (not totally, it gave me the time I needed to settle down with my book. I am actually thinking of escaping to the city again, with another book next time), not only did I not get to take yet another Dutch colony, but there was no cousin. There were no friends. There was nothing!

Oh well. What can we do? Wait until next week, muahaha!
No, I'm kidding. I'm a totally respectable and responsible person. You should all know that. *tuts.*

Not only would every man have a new song to sing in addition to every day being the first day of spring, but in what is a shameless paste of what vindy sent me about 5 months ago, I give you some of my general plan of how I'll be going about galatic domination...earth is my last port of domination of course:

The Notorious and Feared Evil Overlord Handbook

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no Plug.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, it gives me the opportunity to kill him while he is distracted.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies toevery bottom-rung guard in the prison.

49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will be killed either way.

55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key will be anywhere near the hero.

56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.

57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.

59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsiblefor what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable underling.

60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh power books. They will also have a virus protection program -- just in case.

65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.

69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

The website has been completed (almost) and now all I need is information, and enough time to write it. I will take the liberty of pasting the "thank you's" here:

This site was created with the help of various people. Credits are applied where applicable. Thank you all for the considerable amount of time spent setting this site up. Special thanks goes to the editing team, currently consisting of one person. More special thanks, to the technical staff not only consisting of one person, but the same person who is the editing team. Thank you. Without you, this site would never be here. Literally.

There we go! Who better to thank, than myself?

(I hope my dear readers are aware that I'm not so big-headed outside of my blog. Well. Maybe on MSN, when I'm chatting to Cat. But apart from that).

Oh, by the way, I cannot accept any responsiblity for the content of that site. Some articles are mine, some are not, and I'm not telling you which are which. They have all undergone editing by me, though. The site is currently at: http://www.freewebs.com/relinv

No, this has nothing to do with that godawful excuse of a film. Instead, this post is dedicated to two things which I like the most in the world: food, and of course, myself.

We all know to be wary of those pesky e-numbers, extra colourings and those preservatives. We all know the risks of GM food, and even the pesticides. Most of us read the nutriant information on the kellog's box as we eat the cereal, before moving onto the ingredients and then the corporate information and copyrighting, before making our way to the "this product may contain nuts" warning (everything has that these days, even peanut butter), and then finally come to rest at that phrase which no one really knows much about: "your statutory rights are not affected."  

But in the haze of all this, how much attention do we pay to the company's sales-lines printed all over the box? Of course we read that too, but do we really understand it? I don't think so. Allow me to lend a helping hand.

"0% fat!!" written all over a product in those big red letters, actually means "this product is completely tasteless." And of course there's that little star which takes you to the underside of the box, hidden away beneath the glue, which reveals to us that it actually does contain some amount of fat in it afterall.


Likewise, any crackers which has something along the lines of "wafer thin! Only 20 calories a slice!" really means "this product is comprised entirely of cardboard," along with the obligatory tastelessness which accompanies anything remotely healthy.

We always see things for people who want to become thinner, such as the above, but what about people who could put on a few pounds, like myself? The single biggest complaint from the opposite sex is (once they get over my personal odour, nit-picking-and-eating habbit, nail-biting, and bogey flicking) is "he's a bit thin." I always take this in my stride, but they do have a point. And so, about a year ago, I went on a campaign to put on weight, and did so. I promptly fell very ill, and lost all of it again. Back to square one.

The point is, why don't we see the words "contains FULL FAT!!" anywhere, except on a bottle of milk? And for those of you who are interested in my purposefuly unhealthy eating habbits, it's not how much you eat, but how frequently. A chocolate bar before lunch, and a few packs of crisps before dinner never go amiss either. 

"With added vitamin C" are words many of us will see. Especially in orange juice, or other assorted fruit juices. This is essentially an admission from the company that "this is processed, not fresh, and tastes absolutely disgusting."

"Sugar free!" Well, no one loses there, except the dentists. Except I find that sugar-free gum has a tendancy of breaking up into little bits into your mouth after only a short time, for some reason.

This is just the start. I'm sure some of my 3 readers have other things in mind, along these lines...

Which brings me nicely onto something else. About a year ago, I created a websit. This is not for general viewing yet, but it is one which focuses around religion. I'm looking for volunteers to volunteer to read through materials, and maybe even contribute some themselves. If you're up for it, do let me know. More details upon demand.

That will be all, kids.