Picture Perfect

Soulsearching? Here are some insightful answers to pressing questions which have bothered mankind for centuries. Courtesy of the internet.

Q. If there's a life after death, how do we live and what do we look like?
A. We all become badgers. If we were bad as humans we get run over by a blue Ford Transit.

Q. Who is God? Black, white, male, female?
A. I'm pretty sure it is the gecko from those Geico insurance commercials. I've queried the Vatican, but they have not returned my calls. Any of them. Not a single one of 318, wait 319, calls.

Q. Was God hating the sin but loving the sinners when he flooded Earth?
A1: If you read Genesis carefully, you'll note that god flooded the world with warm, bubbly bath water. His love is infinite.
A2: He needed some way to teach them how to swim since humans weren't created with that instinct.
A3: He loved them to death.

Q. Are atheists evil, or capable of doing evil things because they don't have God in their lives?
A. I will bake you cookies and ply you with reason. Fear me.

Q. What's the Jewish story of Jesus?
A. The Jews dont belive that he was the son of God, just a crazy guy going around saying he is.


Q. Do you believe in the second coming?
A. Yes. This is just an intermission. Would you quickly run out and get us some M&Ms?

And now here are some insightful questions...

Q. If dead people go up to heaven, how come I can't hear their footsteps?
(the ingenious answer to this was: they take the escalator. another: there's sound proof flooring in heaven).

Q. Do atheists 'pleasure themselves' more than the average theist or Christian?

Q. How can I practise telekinesis?
(one answer: Focus on what you want. Visualize it. When that fails you can get on with your life).

I hope this provided at least some minimal amusement!