Picture Perfect

One of the most difficult things in my life has just been achieved.

Today, I informed a table full of family that I was doubting the existence of God. It was almost unbearable. It was certainly as hard as I thought it would be, but they took it better than I expected.

Hearing my arguments, my father was quick to call in the cavalry, referring me to this rabbi and that rabbi, this book and the other, as if he were a doctor prescribing me different pills, in the hope that one of them would work and I would somehow be 'cured.' At least now he knows the underlying reason why I haven't attended Saturday services in two months (actually, on second thoughts, the real reason is late-night chatter with Catty, not disbelief).

But suddenly, I found myself the defender of all things not-spiritual; whenever something was seen to be inexplicable, my mother would chime "you see??! How do you explain that?!" and I would give a perfectly reasonable, physical explanation.

I wasn't really comfortable with it all, I'd prefer just not to make a fuss, to be honest. But there we go.

The background to this all is, of course, my mother. Mothers always know everything and always publicise things about you to everyone. That morning, I discussed religion and spirituality with her for two hours. Then, she relayed my questions to my grandfather and father, along with what prompted them: disbelief.

I came into the room, everyone fell silent and looked away quickly. Though I've heard about this happen to many people, this was the first time it happened to me, so it was a strange feeling - but I knew something was up, and asked what it was. My grandfather didn't reply, my mother said 'nothing,' but it was my dad who said 'we're discussing you and your questions' and it all sort of went on from there.

What's been accomplished by this?
Absolutely nothing, apparantly disbelief in God isn't sufficient reason to stop religious activities, especiallialy praying, something my parents still insist I do. And yet every time I'm faced with familiar prayers, they sort of lose its meaning to me. What's being achieved by this? I don't know. Maybe something, probably nothing.

Anyway. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I shall depart from this post. Want to know more? leave a comment.