Picture Perfect

I have finally discovered why I am always late.

NO. It is not because I'm lazy. Rather, it is because I do not believe in linear time, but circular time. For believers in circular time, this means that once time has passed, it is not lost forever as with linear time, but eventually, will fall back on itself in a circular fashion. Think of it as a spiral staircase; as it moves upwards, it spirals back on the parts below it - linear time, obviously, is just a straight line.

 Therefore, for spiraling time, every year passes back on itself. Depending how tight you want the spiral to be, every month. Every week. Or for my purposes, every half hour. See, if ever I'm 31 minutes late, I'm actually on time, because that first minute of the second half hour is spiralled back onto the first part of the hour. Similarly, If I'm one hour late, I'm only half an hour late, because of the spiral effect and so and on and so forth.

Anyhoo, must be off!

I try to be punctual, really I do and for the most part I am. Except when it comes to meeting Helen - for some odd reason I'm always late with her, though I've only met her twice. There is time to improve the record yet.

And speaking of time, I can never have too much of it. In fact, I like to look at it and would point out that most of the lives of the people reading this (yes, you) are conducted by time-keeping devices. Right this second, there could be as many as three clocks within sight.

Right now, I have a watch on my wrist, a clock on the bottom right hand corner of the screen, two Ashurst branded clocks on my desk, an alarm clock/stereo sitting on the other side of the room and a wall clock. Of course, we mustn't forget that we have clocks on our mobile phones, and I have two of those (but thats another story). Even to me, it's surprising there are 8 clocks just in my room (all which have a different time, I might add). Obviously, time is important to me - perhaps because there's so little of it - and thus so are clocks, and it is the story of the Ashurst clocks that I would like to deal with now.

Ashurst is a major company that has offices all over the world, though they're not exactly known for their clock making skills. Instead, they're known for being a major law firm in the UK and the world over, also a law firm to whom I have recently applied. I must say, they're very efficient. Someone in the firm must read the applications within 3 days of its being submitted, if not sooner.

Anyhow. One of the questions on the application was how I came to apply to Ashurst and why. During my explanation, I mentioned that I met and spoke to one of their representatives at the law careers fair in my university, where I was awarded a nifty looking LCD digital clock from the company. Perhaps it was the stress. Perhaps it was the desire to stand out from everyone else. Perhaps it was the tiredness. More likely a combination of the last two. But it was at this point that I saw fit to mention "I am saddened to report that the clock was faulty. Despite this, I still wish to apply..."

I have on my desk now, as I type this, a replacement clock from Ashurst along with a note saying "Daniel, I'm sorry to hear your Ashurst clock was faulty. I hope this one is ok."

Whoever said law firms were all bad? (cat *stare*)
PS. The replacement works fine. I must admit, I didn't know what it was and opened it as if it were a bom. Interestingly, I still opened it, with the completely irrational, confused morning just-got-out-of-bed expectation that acid or nails would be sprung on me. I'm glad that didn't happen though.

One of the most difficult things in my life has just been achieved.

Today, I informed a table full of family that I was doubting the existence of God. It was almost unbearable. It was certainly as hard as I thought it would be, but they took it better than I expected.

Hearing my arguments, my father was quick to call in the cavalry, referring me to this rabbi and that rabbi, this book and the other, as if he were a doctor prescribing me different pills, in the hope that one of them would work and I would somehow be 'cured.' At least now he knows the underlying reason why I haven't attended Saturday services in two months (actually, on second thoughts, the real reason is late-night chatter with Catty, not disbelief).

But suddenly, I found myself the defender of all things not-spiritual; whenever something was seen to be inexplicable, my mother would chime "you see??! How do you explain that?!" and I would give a perfectly reasonable, physical explanation.

I wasn't really comfortable with it all, I'd prefer just not to make a fuss, to be honest. But there we go.

The background to this all is, of course, my mother. Mothers always know everything and always publicise things about you to everyone. That morning, I discussed religion and spirituality with her for two hours. Then, she relayed my questions to my grandfather and father, along with what prompted them: disbelief.

I came into the room, everyone fell silent and looked away quickly. Though I've heard about this happen to many people, this was the first time it happened to me, so it was a strange feeling - but I knew something was up, and asked what it was. My grandfather didn't reply, my mother said 'nothing,' but it was my dad who said 'we're discussing you and your questions' and it all sort of went on from there.

What's been accomplished by this?
Absolutely nothing, apparantly disbelief in God isn't sufficient reason to stop religious activities, especiallialy praying, something my parents still insist I do. And yet every time I'm faced with familiar prayers, they sort of lose its meaning to me. What's being achieved by this? I don't know. Maybe something, probably nothing.

Anyway. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I shall depart from this post. Want to know more? leave a comment.

Soulsearching? Here are some insightful answers to pressing questions which have bothered mankind for centuries. Courtesy of the internet.

Q. If there's a life after death, how do we live and what do we look like?
A. We all become badgers. If we were bad as humans we get run over by a blue Ford Transit.

Q. Who is God? Black, white, male, female?
A. I'm pretty sure it is the gecko from those Geico insurance commercials. I've queried the Vatican, but they have not returned my calls. Any of them. Not a single one of 318, wait 319, calls.

Q. Was God hating the sin but loving the sinners when he flooded Earth?
A1: If you read Genesis carefully, you'll note that god flooded the world with warm, bubbly bath water. His love is infinite.
A2: He needed some way to teach them how to swim since humans weren't created with that instinct.
A3: He loved them to death.

Q. Are atheists evil, or capable of doing evil things because they don't have God in their lives?
A. I will bake you cookies and ply you with reason. Fear me.

Q. What's the Jewish story of Jesus?
A. The Jews dont belive that he was the son of God, just a crazy guy going around saying he is.


Q. Do you believe in the second coming?
A. Yes. This is just an intermission. Would you quickly run out and get us some M&Ms?

And now here are some insightful questions...

Q. If dead people go up to heaven, how come I can't hear their footsteps?
(the ingenious answer to this was: they take the escalator. another: there's sound proof flooring in heaven).

Q. Do atheists 'pleasure themselves' more than the average theist or Christian?

Q. How can I practise telekinesis?
(one answer: Focus on what you want. Visualize it. When that fails you can get on with your life).

I hope this provided at least some minimal amusement!