Picture Perfect

Why is it that people chasing other people with guns in films always, at some point, make their way through the kitchen of a hotel, restaurant or in some cases, private houses? What's more, the chefs don't seem to notice there are a number of black-suited people who are obviously not part of the kitchen staff, making their way through their kitchen - until someone opens fire. Only then do the chefs seem to register this most obvious intrusion into their professional domain and then it's only to take cover and shout something obvious like "they've got guns!" Wasn't it apparant before any weapon was discharged that the black metalic objects in the hands of these suit-clad fellons were guns? I would think it was.

 

Have you ever tried walking into a hotel or restaurant kitchen? It's just not possible. Even when I was part of the waiting staff, the chefs didn't take kindly to my movements into the hallowed halls in which they work their divine art. It's even more puzzling then, that no one challenges these intruders once, even the person who is unarmed and is running away. And interestingly, all thes chefs armed with all these sharp knives and not one of them helps the unarmed person, who is invariably the hero of the story?

This is compounded even further. If professional chefs are anything like my mother in the kitchen, or indeed anyone I know who cooks,  then the second someone enters their domain all 20-something chefs present would immediately arm themselves with wooden spatulas and form an impenetrable line blocking the passage of any intruder and quickly work together on expunging the alien element(s) from their midst. And that's at a minimum. To be fair though, I couldn't picture my grandad doing this, as he is the most chilled-out chef ever. But then, he used to be in active duty for the RAF as a pilot (WW2), then later a nutritionist and chef India(Various British Colonies), so had to develop an immunity to bombs falling around him and bullets whizzing past, so a little thing like me cluttering his work space isn't going to phase him.

 

But back to the point. If we expect chefs to lose it - and we do - when people clutter their workspace, think what they'd do if someone just pushed over a whole trolley full of their work, as the Evil Ones generally do in films. "HEY! Asshole!" they would shout incredulously, looking up from their steaming pots of Goodness "what do you think you're doing?!" - instead of the apparant lack of recognition chefs in the movies seem to display at this wanton destruction of delicious tid-bits. What would follow would be a scene resembling Fight Club, with the chef and their powerful lamb-chopping skills being converted into astoundingly good karate-chopping skills, ending with the disembodied head of the felon placed on a stick and displayed outside the kitchen door, with the words "do not enter" newly written in blood.

In fact, the amount of times unaffiliated people enter kitchens in the movies, I would expect chefs have grown accustomed to such invasion and have a specially prepared selection of extra sharpened knives on the side, for the sole purpose of throwing at the wrongdoer.

But then, I've never seen headlines like "shootout in communal kitchen! Mafia suspected" or "Government agents pursue armed man through hotel kitchen" and the like. Where does Hollywood get this from, and why are kitchens so important to script writers? I can only assume it's a local hollywood phenomenon. Perhaps that also explains why chefs are so nonplussed when people wreck their wares and food: it happens so often, there isn't any use crying over spilt ratatouille.

But what of the patrons of these places in and around California? Why would they put up with such things? They must have waited at least a good half hour for the food on that tray and now it's ruined. Wouldn't they object to having to wait another half hour? I can only assume so. In which case they will no doubt get up to leave and the restaurant will lose custom and of course, money. Since it's not simply one meal which has been ruined, but a whole trolly worth, we can expect a whole trolly worth of people - say 10 - to get up and leave. Where will they spend their hard earned bucks? Nowhere. It shall remain in the bank and no one will spend a penny, thus starting an economic bust.

This bust will, of course, be replicated throughout the US and once the boys in wall street hear about it, the entire world. I have concluded, therefore, that the global credit crunch has nothing to do with the resale of high-risk mortgages, and everything to do with people disrespecting food.

I ask Arty for clarification on this. Am I right, or am I damn right?