Picture Perfect

Jobs: Just Double Your Rate of Failure

2009-09-10T14:32:56+01:00

It's quite amazing how many hoops you have to jump through these days, just to get an unpaid internship somewhere.

One organisation wants a side of A4 on why I'm the best person for the job, in addition to a standard covering letter, CV and interview. But who has this sort of time, before you even know you're being considered for the unpaid job? It's one thing to say "hey, we liked your application and want an interview with you, but before that, give us an A4 on why you're good for the job" - because at least then you know you've got something coming to you and your efforts won't be in vain: you know for sure that at the end of that side of A4, which if done properly should take around an hour to complete, there will be a job interview. But before this stage, there's no telling whether you'll be accepted or rejected, so it doesn't make good sense to me to fill out that application form before others. Why invest more time on something which could potentially fail, rather than using the time to further your chances by applying to two organisations (or making further progress on another application), increasing your chances of getting an interview by 50%? Afterall, someone once said to be successful, you have to double your rate of failure: entirely correct, in my opinion.

Ah, but, I hear some people say, this is what looking for a job is all about: get stuck in! Stop being so lazy!
To these sorts of people I say two things: first, no, this is not the way it's always been. written tests, psychological testing, handwriting reading, these are all vestiages of the last decade and a half. And lazy? Anyone who is seriously looking for a job is probably not that lazy.

It's just that, when you're looking through job ads, sorting through what you can and can't do and what's paid, unpaid, expenses paid; then when you finally find something you can do, it's time to research a company. The research should take 40 minutes - look through their site, see what they do, how they describe themselves, who their clients/members/patients are, that sort of thing. Then, there's the cover letter, which always takes ages because it incorporates all the information from the research, whilst also imparting enough about you to make them think they should read your CV, which, btw you've obviously tailored to their firm. A health magazine might be interested to know you've volunteered at a loal hospital for 8 months in addition to your journalism experience, but an editorial position in a law magazine is more interested in your law degree and volunteering at a local solicitor or CAB office. And you can't just stick them both in to one CV and hope for the best, it has to be done properly: someone reading the CV wants to know you can do the job, not how amazing you are for volunteering in loads of different places for loads of different causes.

All told, a single application, if done properly, should take about 1 hour 50 minutes:
40 mins research the company;
40 mins writing up a cover letter of less than a single A4 side;
20 mins tailoring CV to that firm;
10 mins to check the whole thing over before sending off. Especially being aware that you attached your CV to your e-mail (If you haven't and sent off another e-mail with it attached afterwards, I've learned it's not the end of the world. I've still been offered an interview to two places (the only two places) I accidentally did that with).

These times are minimums in my opinion.

Anyway, the latest thing to hit my inbox was to offer me an interview, but also a 40 minute test on why I want to join the organisation and other questions of the sort, and a half hour interview with the editor and deputy editor. All before giving me an unpaid job.

Why is it so hard?! It shouldn't be. I'm doing them a favour: a college educated graduate working for free. Ok, so I get to put it on my CV when looking for paid jobs, but really. If this is what trying to get an unpaid job is like, I wonder what they make you go through if you request that you would like to be paid for your services.

I should have just become a plumber.

"Moo" says the cow...

2008-04-24T22:16:52+01:00

Kindergarten, 6 years of primary school and 7 years of grammar school education, 1 year abroad studying theology and now going to a prestigious university studying law. In all, 17 years of full-time education by the time I'm done with university. What do I want to do with it? Any of the following:

1) Become a smallholder. Now that's the dream. I'll buy me a few acres of land in the country, build me a lil' house'o'wood and get some goats, hens, horses and other such things.

2) Become a plumber. These fellows are in demand big-time and make a decent living. There's also something far more satisfying in doing work with your hands than sitting at a computer all day.

2) Become an electrician. If I did this, I would be following in the footsteps of my grandfather, who was also an electrician (interestingly, my grandad on the other side of my family graduated from an English university as a civil engineer). The same reasons as the above.

2) Become a journalist. As you can see, this too holds joint second place. I'm just torn, people, entirely torn. Journalism is great and if you're with the right people, gives you the chance to influence thins politically, socially and culturally without being a celebrity or politician. Having left-wing tendancies, I'm all for the simple life and power does not appeal to me so much, despite my frequent claims to world domination - and so this position is great. I include this in the catagory of 'writer' and I may already have an idea or two on the shelf...

3+4) Advertising/PR or Sales. This is great and up until recently I had the idea in my head that I was going to intern a massive company during the summer. Unfortunately, despite saying they did, they didn't have any advertising/sales/PR positions - they had loads which included an engineering degree, something I don't have, but oh well.

5) Law. You must be wondering why this is so low on the list, especially considering my university education. I first thought I wanted to be a lawyer since I was 17, but even then I lamented this fate. Don't get me wrong, law is a great subject to study (though parts will bore you to death, as with anything) but to practise? I don't know.

The main thing that bothers me about law is the amount of work and the amount of hours. The next thing which bothers me, once coming to terms with that, are any morally-grey positions you're presented with in the course of the job. Obviously, the practise of law is not exactly like on TV, so no great-looking blonde women accused of multiple homicides turn up to a small hovel of a law firm who happen to have an amazingly bright law-student interning there, who uncovers an entire scam to frame this poor woman who has been robbed of many riches, who ultimately did kill her husband but not the 12 people with him, although she has a fling with the law student who gets her acquitted of all charges afterwhich she disappears with an appropriately large sum of money, never to be heard from again - except in a single letter directing the law student to a small pot of cash burried in a field somewhere to thank him for his untiring work which, though misdirected, got her acquitted.

No, none of that.

Whatever I do, I hope it'll lead to dream number one, being the owner of a reasonably productive smallholding. On this land I'll have a lake with a nice forest area, in absence of this forest area I shall plant it around part of the lake. This goes back to my very first post, written around three-and-a-half years ago, stating:

"seeing as the only reason I pursue education is to be able to provide sustenance for myself and one day, I hope, a wife and children, I may as well ditch education here and now, find my "one true love," elope to a far away forest, live on nothing but sludge and grass roots, and write poetry on the sad condition of the human race."

Could I ever realise this dream, minus sludge and grass roots? The best thing about it all is Cat's up for this, minus sludge and grass roots...

Who knows? I'll let you know as my life develops!

I telled a joke...

2008-04-04T13:01:18+01:00

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish tailor and a Jewish doctor?

A. One generation.

Food glorious Food...!

2008-04-02T01:33:43+01:00

Why is it that people chasing other people with guns in films always, at some point, make their way through the kitchen of a hotel, restaurant or in some cases, private houses? What's more, the chefs don't seem to notice there are a number of black-suited people who are obviously not part of the kitchen staff, making their way through their kitchen - until someone opens fire. Only then do the chefs seem to register this most obvious intrusion into their professional domain and then it's only to take cover and shout something obvious like "they've got guns!" Wasn't it apparant before any weapon was discharged that the black metalic objects in the hands of these suit-clad fellons were guns? I would think it was.

Have you ever tried walking into a hotel or restaurant kitchen? It's just not possible. Even when I was part of the waiting staff, the chefs didn't take kindly to my movements into the hallowed halls in which they work their divine art. It's even more puzzling then, that no one challenges these intruders once, even the person who is unarmed and is running away. And interestingly, all thes chefs armed with all these sharp knives and not one of them helps the unarmed person, who is invariably the hero of the story?

This is compounded even further. If professional chefs are anything like my mother in the kitchen, or indeed anyone I know who cooks, then the second someone enters their domain all 20-something chefs present would immediately arm themselves with wooden spatulas and form an impenetrable line blocking the passage of any intruder and quickly work together on expunging the alien element(s) from their midst. And that's at a minimum. To be fair though, I couldn't picture my grandad doing this, as he is the most chilled-out chef ever. But then, he used to be in active duty for the RAF as a pilot (WW2), then later a nutritionist and chef India(Various British Colonies), so had to develop an immunity to bombs falling around him and bullets whizzing past, so a little thing like me cluttering his work space isn't going to phase him.

But back to the point. If we expect chefs to lose it - and we do - when people clutter their workspace, think what they'd do if someone just pushed over a whole trolley full of their work, as the Evil Ones generally do in films. "HEY! Asshole!" they would shout incredulously, looking up from their steaming pots of Goodness "what do you think you're doing?!" - instead of the apparant lack of recognition chefs in the movies seem to display at this wanton destruction of delicious tid-bits. What would follow would be a scene resembling Fight Club, with the chef and their powerful lamb-chopping skills being converted into astoundingly good karate-chopping skills, ending with the disembodied head of the felon placed on a stick and displayed outside the kitchen door, with the words "do not enter" newly written in blood.

In fact, the amount of times unaffiliated people enter kitchens in the movies, I would expect chefs have grown accustomed to such invasion and have a specially prepared selection of extra sharpened knives on the side, for the sole purpose of throwing at the wrongdoer.

But then, I've never seen headlines like "shootout in communal kitchen! Mafia suspected" or "Government agents pursue armed man through hotel kitchen" and the like. Where does Hollywood get this from, and why are kitchens so important to script writers? I can only assume it's a local hollywood phenomenon. Perhaps that also explains why chefs are so nonplussed when people wreck their wares and food: it happens so often, there isn't any use crying over spilt ratatouille.

But what of the patrons of these places in and around California? Why would they put up with such things? They must have waited at least a good half hour for the food on that tray and now it's ruined. Wouldn't they object to having to wait another half hour? I can only assume so. In which case they will no doubt get up to leave and the restaurant will lose custom and of course, money. Since it's not simply one meal which has been ruined, but a whole trolly worth, we can expect a whole trolly worth of people - say 10 - to get up and leave. Where will they spend their hard earned bucks? Nowhere. It shall remain in the bank and no one will spend a penny, thus starting an economic bust.

This bust will, of course, be replicated throughout the US and once the boys in wall street hear about it, the entire world. I have concluded, therefore, that the global credit crunch has nothing to do with the resale of high-risk mortgages, and everything to do with people disrespecting food.

I ask Arty for clarification on this. Am I right, or am I damn right?

I am Evil.

2008-03-24T16:42:10+00:00

So I'm sitting in my room, listening to music. In the next room, is my brother and a girl he spends loads of time with, but doesn't really like. So he says. He once said "I probably won't realise what I've lost until it's gone."

The evilness is this: I found a lovely song by Billy Joel just now. Some of you may know it: Tell Her About It. It's playing full volume. It starts:

Listen boy I don't want to see you
Let a good thing slip away
You know I don't like watching anybody
Make the same mistakes I made
She's a real nice girl and she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

Oh yes. Technology is great. Enables more efficient sibling annoyance!

Jewish Festival and African-American Cotton Picking

2008-03-21T17:04:36+00:00

So today is a Jewish fesitval, where people dress up in funny constumes and have fun. But why? Sure, us Jews do some pretty strange things, and some pretty cool things too, but they are done reaons.

Very quickly, Purim (meaning "raffle") was when an advisor (called Haman) to the king of the Achaemenid Empire (that's Persia to us) decided to give an enourmous sum of money to the ruler, in return for having sole discretion over the fate of the Jews in the empire (which was considerably large). His intention was to kill all the Jews (history repeats itself. It seems Jews have never really been free of this absurd desire people seem to have about obliterating them all the time. Just give us a break, dammit!)

We celebrate because, obviously, this didn't happen and disaster was averted by the Queen. The events are recorded in the book of Esther in the Hebrew Scriptures. That genocide was averted explains why we celebrate, we dress up as a symbolic reference to the hiddeness of God's actions in saving the Jews - Interestingly, the name of God is not mentioned in the book of Esther once (though he is present if you know how to look). So we dress up and "hide" ourselves behind masks and costumes to symbolise this.

As such, going to synagogue can be quite an interesting. I try to avoid synagouge members these days and yet here they all are, dressed in bizzare costumes, as devils, sailors, school masters, ladybirds, punks, and anything else you can imagine. It was like living a bizzare dream.

For more information in the medium of song, and to see such costumes in action, why not try this rather bizzare link which is under a minute long and explains it all quite well.

Also, I recently discovered an unspoken and up until now possibly altogether unknown connection between traditional Jewish Purim songs and African-American folk songs which were sung as they picked cotton in the fields. Compare to the Jewish version (not about picking cotton, but oddly the same tune) Mishe Nichnas Adar.

Here's a selection of videos of the same song, all sung in the style of the country of origin (of the people). Please note, anyone singing this song is probably drunk, close to it, or about to be if theyre above the permissable legal age to drink, so forgive the lesser musical abilities where applicable:

Traditional Middle-Eastern Israeli,
Western/ 'a cappella'

Unfortunately, my mic isn't working otherwise I'd have sung a clearer (and much better) version for you all. Oh well!

It appears the Jewish conspiracy has permiated to previously unknown and astonishingly grass-root levels, right down to the Old Greats of Folk song. We are everywhere. Fear us.

Wow!

2008-03-21T17:05:37+00:00

*-*-*-*For some reason*-*-*-*-

My new blog post isn't working, so here it is: http://pictureperfect.blogspirit.com/archive/2008/03/21/jewish-festival-and-african-american-cotton-picking.html

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A new day, a new post! So close together too!

The reason is because I love and tenderly care for all my blog readers, wrapping them in cotton-wool and bubblewra, protecting them from the horrors of the world. I have to make sure you guys can all get on in life. Without me, you are all lost souls.

Ok, I lied.
The reason is, I have to work - and as we all know, anything but work is so much more appealing than the work you have to do - which usually has a strict deadline, by the way.

I decided to make a post because I think we are strange. We live in strange times, here in the west, where girls can be boys and boys can be girls, and everyone is right about everything even if they're wrong, and damnation to you if you can prove beyond reasonable doubt that one individual has more propensity to do well in one thing than another individual. Especially bad if you make a statement like "generally speaking, girls are bad at chess" (you really are, girls! Most girls don't even want to play chess, and those I know that do are terrible at it!) or "boys are good at everything!"

I actually couldn't think of anything boys are stereotypically bad at, that's actually important...Ergo, boys are good at everything. Everything important.

Ok, I think I'm done with being vaguely politically incorrect! Back to work for me!!

Bye bye, and please come again.