Picture Perfect

Soulsearching? Here are some insightful answers to pressing questions which have bothered mankind for centuries. Courtesy of the internet.

 

Q. If there's a life after death, how do we live and what do we look like?
A. We all become badgers. If we were bad as humans we get run over by a blue Ford Transit.

Q. Who is God? Black, white, male, female?
A. I'm pretty sure it is the gecko from those Geico insurance commercials. I've queried the Vatican, but they have not returned my calls. Any of them. Not a single one of 318, wait 319, calls.

Q. Was God hating the sin but loving the sinners when he flooded Earth?
A1: If you read Genesis carefully, you'll note that god flooded the world with warm, bubbly bath water. His love is infinite.
A2: He needed some way to teach them how to swim since humans weren't created with that instinct.
A3: He loved them to death.

Q. Are atheists evil, or capable of doing evil things because they don't have God in their lives?
A. I will bake you cookies and ply you with reason. Fear me.

Q. What's the Jewish story of Jesus?
A. The Jews dont belive that he was the son of God, just a crazy guy going around saying he is.


Q. Do you believe in the second coming?
A. Yes. This is just an intermission. Would you quickly run out and get us some M&Ms?

 

And now here are some insightful questions...

 

Q. If dead people go up to heaven, how come I can't hear their footsteps?
(the ingenious answer to this was: they take the escalator. another: there's sound proof flooring in heaven).

Q. Do atheists 'pleasure themselves' more than the average theist or Christian?

Q. How can I practise telekinesis?
(one answer: Focus on what you want. Visualize it. When that fails you can get on with your life).

 

I hope this provided at least some minimal amusement!

Thaat's right! Everything You Wanted To Know About Deej But Were To Apathetic To Ask. Here are some questions. What follow are my answers...

 

1. Do you like cheese?
Yes. Just chedder. And Brie, obviously. And Edam. And Harvarti. In fact, if it doesn't say "warning: do not open indoors" on the outside of the packet (this is the voice of experience speaking) or have things growing out of it, I'll probably eat it. Then again, that's true of most foods too.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
I once smoked something called 'I can't believe it's not heroin...' does that count? Seriously though. No. Never.

3. Do you own a gun?
Yes. It's an airsoft gun. And it's great fun to play with.

4. Your favorite song?
The !Kung tribe's song and dance is quite mesmerising.

5. Do you get nervous about Dr. appointments?
Never.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Go great with ketchup and mustard. Mmm...Food.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Oh, oh, oh! It's the uh...the...uhh. Actually, I'm indifferent.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Tea! Or if I'm in a rush, glass of milk.

9. Can you do push ups?
What're those?

10. Is your bathroom clean?
usually spotless.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My watch. It hasn't been off my wrist for very long in the past two years that i've had it. For your information, I also own cufflinks and a necklace. Yes, a necklace. It's gold and very chav like. It was a gift. And no, I've never worn it. Sorry :p

12. Favorite Hobby?
Hobby?
- Writing. Politics. History.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Weapon in the singular? ;-)   I don't hide anything...I find it's easier for someone to get to know about all my brilliantness that way :p

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Don't think so...

15. Have you ever stolen anything?
Probably, but nothing that I remember.

16. Middle Name?
That changes depending on the situation. E.g: "DJ! Be smart about it!" - "Heh. Smart is my middle name."

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
Cat is funny
I mustn't laugh
I need the toilet and the laughing REALLY isn't helping.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Hmm. A present for someone. A snickers bar. And a book for myself.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Pure Orange Juice (best drink EVER), any of the Robinson's squash varieties, tea

20. Your fears?
There is nothing to fear, except ignorance and even then, one must battle bravely on...profound, non?

21. Current hate?
Hate is such a strong word...so nothing. nothing at all.

22. Favorite place to be?
in bed, texting or msn'ing Catty

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
This one? It was a year ago, right?  I was in Israel with a bunch of fabulous people and drank quite a lot of a very very strong eastern drink called Arak. I didn't puke and I wasn't out of control. Just drank lots over a long period, in order to keep the room spinning... yeahhh. good times.

24. Where would you like to go?
Space.

25 Name three people who will complete this and return.
Why should they complete this?
- I have no possible idea.

26. Do you own slippers?
No, but I have socks.

27. What color shirt are you wearing?
white

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Those are supposed to be really expensive and fancy and stuff, right? I don't think i've ever slept on them, so I don't have an opinion on the matter.

29. Can you whistle?
Like a bird in a tree.

30. Favorite color?
Blood red. And 'bruise blue.' Charmin, aren't I? :p

31. Would you be a pirate?
I would be the King of pirates.

33. Favorite girl's name?
I like lots of names.

34. Favorite boy's name?
My own. duhh.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
Air. Not nothing, my pocket is not a vacuum. Air is in my pocket. If there was nothing in my pocket could I say there was a vacuum in my pocket? Interesting...

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Cat said something back at question 16 or whatever it was. I still need the loo though.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
I didn't really care...

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
mental anguish...

39. Do you love where you live?
I like it. Do I love it? I don't know. Hard to say. I wouldn't like to be force to leave... 

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
a few. Only 1 is being used these days though...

41. Who is your loudest Friend?
My friends tend to be quiet souls...even more than me...

42. Who is your most silent friend?
That's hard to say...there are so many...

43. Does anyone have a crush on you?
I hope it's more than a crush :p

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
How many of those do you think I see from London?

45. What is your favorite candy?
Haribo

46. Favorite Sports Team?
Mito HollyhockThere's nothing wrong with Japanese football!

47. What do you want played at your funeral?
'Haunted' by Kelly Clarkson

48. Goals you would like to achieve this year?
Passing exams and going to Scotland

49. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Toys? I worked in the mines.

50. Do you have a favorite flower?
Ones with the petals on are fine, ta